Day 41: It's not over!

Wow!  Did I really not post for two weeks?  The last two weeks has flown by.

Maybe because my kids went back to school, maybe because I was super busy between work/kids and yoga, but maybe just because I lost focus.  Probably the last one.

Luckily, I didn't lose focus on the actual yoga.  What an amazing accomplishment - I feel nothing short of incredible!  It's been an unusual ride for me; a mixture of up and down, of balance and madness, but an experience that I wouldn't trade for the world and that is certainly not over.

Over the 6 week journey I have:

1. Found the calmness I so severely craved (not always, but mostly).

2. Reduced my expectations and found more acceptance of my circumstances - in a million different ways that I can't even begin to go into here.

3. Found an incredible capacity for physical strength and a mega-appreciation for my body.

4. Have breathed, challenged, grown, perspired, relaxed, loved, danced, flown, smiled and slept on my yoga mat.

5.  Have loved an appreciated every single day of the challenge.

So where to from here?

The biggest surprise is that rather than feeling exhausted and relieved to have reached the end, I feel energised and pumped up to keep going.  I realise how far I've come and that I have miles to go. As my friend and 40 Day partner Bi said 'I feel like I'm at the bottom of a mountain and have just started climbing."  

The program has reminded me how small we are, how little we know of ourselves and of the world, how important it is to be aware of this and how much there is to learn. It's a beautiful space to be in because it brings hope, joy and purpose for the future.

Best things about the 40 Days:

Through such a dedicated practice, I found real sanctuary on my mat.  It is my place of peace, of rest, of purpose.

I learned that doing such a dedicated practice doesn't necessarily 'improve your skill.' Rather, each practice is an insight to what is actually going on in your life, in your body, at the time.  Sometimes its awesome, sometimes its out of whack, but always, it's just you there on the mat.

Best of all, I loved how simply happy you can be with nothing but a mat, your mind, your breath and a whole lotta like-minds around you!

I often found myself turning to my right side and smiling at the end of a class just thinking 'Yoga makes me happy.'

It may not be for everyone, but it is for me.  I've loved this experience, and am truly grateful to have had the opportunity to take part. 

Day 27: A burst of energy!

I don't know if everyone on 40 Days is feeling this, or if it's just me, but today I had the biggest burst of energy I have had in years!

Following Thursday's fall into a physically exhausted mess, today I was on fire. 

Just a part of the Spit to Manly walk.

I woke early and went to Keenan's 7.30am class which is always good.  Felt fabulous.  Beautiful breakfast with  my family afterwards, and because it was such a gorgeous sunny winter's day in Sydney, we took our little girls for a walk up to North Head.  If you've never done it before, choose a sunny day and go for it - it's stunning!

When we got home I was almost jumping out of my skin, so begged my husband for some more 'me time,' and took off down to the Spit- Manly walk for a little half hour run.  Again, if you've not done this, you should.  It's magical!

As if this wasn't enough, on returning home I went on a cleaning frenzy that I can only compare with nesting during those last weeks of pregnancy.  My goodness!

Looking so forward to my evening meditation, feeling calm, feeling incredibly well, and know I'll sleep like a baby tonight!

Day 26: Restoration - came right at the right time!

I had a Massage at Siam Orchid, Balgowlah

The theme this week is restoration, and it couldn't have been more timely. 

Week 4 began with a three day fruit fast, which freaked me out for two reasons; first, I would never normally take in so much sugar, and second, I hate being told what to do. This may have been the beginning of my demise...

I may have said this before, but I'm generally a healthy eater.  I mostly eat fruit, vegetables, fish, nuts and some grains. I occasionally eat meat, chicken and other stuff (sweets, breads), depending where I am and what I'm doing, but I generally avoid these things because I find them difficult to digest.

With a fairly healthy diet already, the concept of restriction on the fast concerned me, but I'm in this all the way, so I did it anyway.  I made it through the 3 days, but was thrown way off course the day after, when I jumped on the scales and came in heavier than when I started! 

I thought the idea was to feel lighter in body and mind, but this dampened both.  By Thursday night when I was supposed to hit the mat again, I couldn't face it.  I was physically and mentally deflated. For the first time since I started the 40-Days I felt bereft of energy. I felt I couldn't manage a minute - let alone an hour and a half - on the mat.  And I was starving! Soooo... I thought, it's restoration week.  Listen to your body and rest up.  I went home, chowed down a dinner of BBQ beef and rice - my first meat dish in months - and went to bed at 7.30pm !!!

My last thought before zoning out was that I felt like a machine that had just been unplugged.  

And I slept until 5.30am! TEN HOURS!  I woke up feeling so much better, stronger and clearer.  I continued 'nurturing' my self with a one hour traditional Thai massage this morning, and by the time I got to class at 12.15 today I was ready to rock again.  I had such an uplifting class and felt so revived and fulfilled by the end, that I am sure that yesterday's rest was exactly what I needed.

Though clearly I need to address why restriction and instruction affect me so terribly...Food for thought in my meditations!

Day 19: Big smiles all round!

It's day 19 - I'm almost half-way!

This week I've had a few moments of boredom on the mat; wondering what I was doing there in some weird twisted yoga pose or repeating a movement five times over.  I've also had a few moments of hilarity as I observe myself and the things around me, and have to stop myself from giggling in class which is nice.  I'm finding that I smile alot during yoga, and I really have a sense of joy and peacefulness during my classes - even when they're physically tough.  This is the good thing about practicing so frequently - I get these peaceful bliss-outs more often.

I'm also pleased to say my food cravings are gone - or maybe I focussed more on not responding to cravings.  I feel much better for that, and am looking forward to the 3-day fruit fast next week.

Mentally, I seem to be getting my crap together again as well.  I think I may have finally ridden out the wave of emotions that engulfed me in the first few weeks.  I no longer feel like I'm drowning in other people's isssues and have returned to a more balanced space of acceptance.

I've looked at the kind of issues that seemed to 'appear' in my life when the 40-Day challenge began, but I realise they were all mine, and were always there, I just hadn't paid so much attention to them before. Others I think I manifested because I needed a reason to change.

This week I feel more accepting of the things I can't change, and ready to work with my own truth for the things that I can. There are patterns I need to break and boundaries to cross, and these will be challenging, but I feel more prepared, positive and open about trying.

I'm definitely smiling again this week!

Day 16 - Lightbulb moment

This morning when I woke up, before I got out of bed and consciously began my day, I had a brief thought patten that went something like this:

I feel powerful today.
I can overcome any obstacle.
But there are so many obstacles.
You are the obstacle.
You are also the path.
You are the path around the obstacle.

Bing!

Day 14 - Revived!

I'm glad to say after last week's emotional overload, I'm feeling more uplifted.  On Friday, I did the 6am Power class at Manly and I must say, despite the cold and early wake-up, yoga in the morning is such a peaceful and beautiful way to start the day.

Another magic morning in Manly.

By 9.30 when I rolled into work, despite having been up for hours and done almost a days worth of stuff, I felt refreshed, revived and ready to go get 'em!   Earlier in the week a friend told me I was glowing and had a 'beautiful happy aura.'  I love that!  It's exactly how I feel when I leave a yoga class and why I keep going back.

On my 40 Days, I'm still battling some issues, so am setting some goals this week.

First is  the meditation.  I still struggle to switch off, and have been more unsettled in the last two weeks than I was before I started the program. I think this is mainly due to emotional stuff bubbling to the surface. Some other people in the 40 Days Group have experienced the same thing, so I'm in good company (and normal!).  This just reminds me how integral meditation is to the process, and of the necessity of staying with it in order to push through.

Then there's the food.  I'm normally a really healthy eater and avoid lots of things my body doesn't process well: meat, dairy, wheat and sugar. In the last two weeks I've eaten all these things in amounts I would never normally consume. I actually can't explain this. Can anyone?  It could be the need for more energy, but I'm not convinced.  Apart from being unhealthy, these things give me headaches, belly-aches and make me feel tired, sluggish, unmotivated and fuzzy. Week 3 in the 40 Days book talks about controlling cravings again by 'staying' until the craving passes.

Therefore, STAYING is my goal for the week, and STAY is my mantra.  Hopefully this will get me through the meditations and away from the pantry!

Day 10 - Coming Undone

Today is day 11, and the body is holding up really well.  The mind, not so good.  It's still taking alot of personal coaxing to actually sit and meditate twice a day, and once I'm there its even more effort to turn off the chit chat.  Having said that, I've only missed a couple of sessions, which is a reasonable effort.

The other thing that's going on this week is the emotions are running high.  This week's theme is vitality, but while my body feels great, mentally I'm pretty exhausted.  I've been going to bed way earlier than usual, had a few unexpected melancholy moments and even several rounds of tears.  I even woke up with a cold sore gracing my top lip yesterday which is always pleasant. That normally happens when I'm truly feeling frazzled, bit I don't really feel frazzled, just tired. And nutty. 

I seem to be re-assessing lots of stuff, but instead of it coming out good, I'm focusing on lots of yuck that I hadn't paid much attention to before.  I think I'm coming undone.  I'm sure it's part of the process, that this is supposed to happen, but I feel it's a bit premature.  I guess its a good thing; caterpillar before butterfly and all that, but I hope it passes soon.  I want to really love and enjoy this 40 days, not sook through  it!

Day 6: Intention, Committment, Effort

I've reached the end of week 1 - YAY!

The weird thing is my life hasn't changed that much.  I thought my biggest challenge would be the actually making it to class.  The time spent away from my home and my family has always been my stumbling block, but making the 5 classes has been surprisingly easy.

My girls - when they're happy, I'm happy!

I always knew committing to the 40 Days would require lots of planning and a strict routine (it has), but the effort has paid off because not only has making it to class been easy for me, it's been relatively interruption-free for my family, especially my kids, which makes me happy. (-:

It has to do with intention, commitment and effort.  I know these things appeared in the 40 Days book somewhere - I'm sure I read it last night - but it's a good reminder how these things bring about the life we want.

I had the intention  - I've wanted to do 40 Days for a long time.

I made the commitment - I booked, paid and mentally committed myself to the program.

I put in the effort - This meant organising babysitters, making sure my husband could pick up the slack on some days husband and re-jigging my work hours. 

This is the book.  You can buy it here (click)

For me, there is more effort in the ability to physically show up than there is once I get there. This is why making the commitment was so difficult; I didn't think I could do it.  Once I committed, I made a plan, followed through and the rest just happened.

The following through part was highly dependent on planning and routine.  As any mother will tell you, a good routine works a treat! When you know what you're doing and when, there is safety and security.  Kids thrive on this.  They flip out when they don't have it.  We do too.  It's the only way to get things done.  Some call it discipline, or practice or commitment, but it's all the same thing really.  I found the same thing when I was studying.  At work, I guess we call it 'procedures.' 


I love that this was my reminder for the week.  It makes me feel more comfortable about moving through the next 5 weeks.  Obviously, I need to stick to my commitment, but also be mindful that it takes all three to make things happen.

Day 5: I'm parched!

This one's going to be a quickie.  Day 5 and I've completed my 4th class for the week, hot on the heels of the 8pm class I did last night.  I completely forgot to do my meditation this morning, just got out of bed and rolled into the usual morning chores, but made up for this after today's class.  While I try to quiet my mind with the meditation, my body has started talking to me...

Today my body said "DRINK MORE WATER!"

I woke up with an incredibly dry mouth and despite the empty bottle of water on my bedside table, I was still parched.  It's now almost 5pm and I've got the beginnings of a rotten headache. I'm wondering if this is all due to loss of too much water and not enough replacement?  I normally drink 1.5/ 2litres a day, but clearly I'm going to need more for the next 5 weeks or so.

There could be something else physiologically going on, but I'm sticking with the water issue.  My new motto is now replenish, replenish, replenish!  Might even pop some magnesium supplements before the muscles start talking too!

Of course, all this extra water drinking will mean more toilet time too, so I'd best be off now!!

Day 4 - Chitty Chatter

So I've just finished my third class for the week. 

Mentally, I'm exhausted, but that's not unusual for me by Thursday. Physically, I feel great; yesterday I had a niggle in my lower back where I'd had a running injury a few months back. Today it's like it never existed.  This is good, great even! Emotionally I'm safe and sound.  But have I practiced my presence? 

One of the biggest reasons I'm doing the 40 Days is to become more present, so this week's theme is throwing it out there for me. My mind races at a million miles an hour.  Get to know me and you'll find I speak that way too.  I simply can't stop thinking.  I'm a mum, I'm a wife, I run a household, I work and I blog. Even when I consciously try to stop thinking, I think. 

The only time I stop thinking is during yoga, but even then, it's difficult, and I've been practicing for 12 years!

In tonight's class, Petra said 'stop thinking about what you'll have for dinner, what you have to do after class and what time you have to wake up tomorrow.'  I had honestly already thought of each one!

I don't know how to turn it off, but this week I've been consciously observing how often I think irrelevant things and winding myself back to now.  I do feel calmer, but it's still challenging.  I'm self- talking and forward thinking all the time but at least I'm catching myself when I do it. I don't know if I'll ever stop; it's like a defining part of who I am, and in a weird way I am almost scared to stop it. What will happen to me? - it's who I am.  Will I get all my things done?  How will I feel?  What will there be when there's no chatter?  I'm hoping for calm, but I'm scared it will be boredom. Will I become boring if I master this? 

Hopefully I'll find the answer some time in the next 34 days!

Day three: Tired already!

It's day three and it's also my official 'day of rest' for the week and I don't know if it's a mental thing but I feel really, really tired. 
Could be because it was such a busy day - my littlest daughter turned 5 today.  This meant my day was made up of the usual morning drop off, work, school and kindy pick-up, a trip to Lollipops with 8 other kids and then Chinese for dinner with the family.
It was the Chinese dinner that killed it.  Too much food, all the wrong kinds, and perhaps just a late at the end of a long day to be eating.
I did get my meditations in today though, and I'm proud to say that I made it through the 5 (or 7) mins both times and was pleasantly surprised when the alarm went off.  This is good because previous attempts at meditation have not been so successful.
I'm tired now.  Very ready for bed, and looking forward very much to getting to my next power class tomorrow night.
Don't quite feel that the program has fully kicked in yet, but am thinking once this week is past and I'm into a groove it will all come together.

Namaste.

Day 1 - The Beginning; a great place to start!

It wasn't a promising start.  Last night had me out on the town with a bunch of hilarious fast talking quick drinking mums who I love dearly, and who I loved just a little too much for the night before such a big undertaking.

Needless to say, it wasn't pretty this morning, and with just three hours sleep, two kids to get to school and pre-school, five hours in  the office and a meeting with my daughter's preschool teacher,  I did wonder how I would actually face a one-and-a-half hour yoga class without hitting the wall.

But I did, and I'm thankful for it.

I feel so much more energetic now, at 9.35pm, than I felt at say, 3pm. It's a busy day for me, every day, and this is what I'm trying to conquer with this yoga challenge.  There are so many things to remember, people to fit in, jobs to do, I find it very hard to slow down.  When I do yoga, I slow down.  Sometimes I think about the groceries, the birthday gifts I need to buy or the ballet shoes that have gone missing, but generally I can come back and focus on what I'm doing and calm down.

I want to be able to do this in my life, not just in yoga class.

In tonight's discussion, we were asked to note down how we feel today, day one, and to think about what we want from the 40 day yoga program.  Here's my list:

I feel generally happy and blessed in life.  I'm comfortable with my 'self', with who I am.  I'm introspective enough to know what that means.  I'm good with my body and with my diet.  I'm generally in a good frame of mind most of the time.

• I do however, feel perpetually rushed. I want to feel calm.
• I have constant chatter in my mind. I want to find peace.
• I find it difficult to do nothing. I want to learn to just be.
• I have a list of things that must be done.  I want to let go.

Let's re-visit that list after 40 days of yoga!

So why am I doing this??

Yesterday I picked up a copy of the book that accompanies this course, 40 Days to Personal Revolution by Baron Baptiste.  Despite having just held my daughter's rockin' 5th birthday party (thanks DJ Kit Kat), I managed to squeeze in a little reading last night.

I'm glad I did because as I continue to ponder my true reason for wanting to do the 40 Day program, I found the answer in the book.

At first, I resisted.  I'm not a person that feels I'm 'searching for something.'  Likewise, I don't feel like I'm missing something or that I need an external 'fix'.  I'm generally positive, always grateful and learned long ago what it means to take responsibility for myself.  Over the years I've done lots soul searching - some on purpose, some by accident or necessity - those life crises that bring you to your knees and cause a giant re-assessment of priorities?  Yep, I've had a few of those!

I'm even happy with my body, which is a massive deal for me. I'm comfortable with my weight, I eat incredibly well and am fitter and healthier than ever.

So why am I doing this??

This is the quote from the book that resonated with me: 'Heaven is like the mustard seed.  Though the tiniest of seeds it one day grows into the largest of trees.  Like heaven and like us, its potential is vast.'

I want to be a mustard tree.  

I want to grow.  I want to know my potential.  I want to face my ugly bits and find my lovely bits.  I want to be a better mum.  I want to love more.  I want to be calmer in the face of drama (!)  I want to stop, take stock and breathe.  I want to be still so that I can move forward.

Ahhhh.  That's why I'm doing this.

A little background...

Next week marks the start of one of the biggest personal challenges I've ever set myself - the Power Living 40 Days to Personal Revolution yoga program.

WHAT DOES IT INVOLVE?  It means 5 in-studio yoga practices each week, plus one at home.  In addition, there's daily meditation, an eating program and weekly meetings to touch base with a mentor and the other yoginis.

A FEW THINGS ABOUT ME - I've been practising yoga in some form or another for about 12 years. I started with Iyengar, which was a great way to learn the foundations. I toyed with Bikram, and eventually landed in Ashtanga, which I did for several years, breaking for pre and post natal yoga when I had my two beautiful daughters.

My awesome home town, Manly

For the last two years I've practised at Power Living in the most beautiful place in the world, Manly (Syd, Australia).  Since my very first class, I loved Power Yoga. It's dynamic, uplifting, strength building and empowering.  I wanted to do the 40 Days program since starting at Power Living, but with two small children and a husband with temperamental work hours, I've never been able to commit... Until now!

A FEW MORE THINGS ABOUT ME - Apart from being a mum and a yoga student, I'm also a wife, a worker and tellingly, a writer.  I write for work, for myself and for my blog.  All my writing is about sharing and connecting - finding a commonality and connecting through it.

Naturally, I couldn't embark on this potentially life-changing program and not write about it. Equally, I couldn't resist sharing it with anyone who loves yoga.  If that's you, follow me - it's bound to be an amazing adventure!